Let the Curve Do the Work

2009-03-16T10:41:00.003-05:00

As was discussed in the previous post, you can draw some comparisons between the field of law and the realm of sports. Today, none of those comparisons will exist other than the fact that I want to examine the upcoming NCAA while sitting in Law School. This is going to be a post as long as Harry Handjob's...well, you get the gist...so, with as little babbling as possible I present to you 33 picks devised using the Doctrine of Reasonable Foreseeability. (Editor's note: Please keep in mind, in many of the following picks, I know very little about one or both of the teams and would prefer you not count on these predictions in "big money" pools.)

Play-in Game = Alabama St. Hornets v. Morehead St. Eagles = 3/17/09

This is the pre-tournament game that really determines the 64th school that will spend thousands of dollars getting their squad to Dayton, OH, only to be stomped by the overall #1 seed, Louisville. Because I'm a man of my word, I will make a prediction on this game even though the outcome won't matter at all. Really, Alabama St. never had a chance; after all, who in the world doesn't like More Head???

Now the field of 64 is set and we'll get some of the early/easy picks out of the way.

#1 Seeds (Louisville, UConn, Pitt, UNC) v. #16 Seeds (Morehead St., Chattanooga, E. Tenn. St., Radford) = 3/19, 3/20

Let's face it, no #1 seed will lose to a 16 seed and I'm not going to waste my mental energy trying to prove otherwise.

#2 Seeds (Mich. St., Memphis, Oklahoma, Duke) v. #15 Seeds (Robert Morris, Cal St. Northridge, Morgan St., Binghamton) = 3/19, 3/20

Every year, at least one of these games seems to be epical and that certainly won't change this year. Memphis is Mem-pissed off so they'll be looking for blood against Cal St. Northridge. Oklahoma and Duke are just better than those other teams they play so they'll play on to the second round. That leaves only the Spartans of Michigan State University. Think about this match-up logically and you'll see why the Spartans - who definitely understand the history of their mascot - are shaking in their boots. If you recall the Battle of Thermopylae, 300 Spartans challenged 1 million Persian soldiers. Terrible idea, right? Wrong, because the bastards won and their triumph was made famous in the 2006 documentary, 300. What does that have to do with this basketball game? My bracket doesn't say Robert Morris University or College or Tech - it just says, "Robert Morris." I interpret that to mean that some badass dude has geared up all season, lost his teammates in bloody battles, and is now reporting to Minneapolis to challenge a team of 11 "Spartans" in an epic battle. Adding further intrigue is the fact that this guy named Bob is the same gentlemen who raised the funds that helped the USA win the Revolution back in the 70s...the 1770s. That's right, he's likely immortal. Scary shit if you're the Spartans and that's why I'm putting my money on the Highlander named Robert Morris. There can only be one...

Now we'll look at the rest of the games based on the bracket they fall into...

Midwest

#3 Kansas Jayhawks v. #14 N. Dakota State Bison = 3/20

The Jayhawks are coming off a National Championship last year + North Dakota is looking to become the first Canadian team to ever win a tournament game = Lots of pressure for the Bison. The early momentum goes to KU but, the Bison are entirely comfortable on the brink of extinction – they’ve been there before, mind you – and stampede there way back from “Critically Endangered” to “Least Concern”.

#4 Wake Forest Demon Deacons v. #13 Cleveland State Vikings = 3/20

You’d think I’d strive for some sort of consistency and again analyze based on mascot. NO, FALSE. Drew Carey has ruined The Price is Right and thus, anything he has ever said has been discredited. “Cleveland Rocks!”? No, Cleveland Sucks…bounced.

#5 Utah Utes v. #12 Arizona Wildcats = 3/20

Having now watched 2.5 episodes of Big Love, I’ve learned not to mess with anyone from Utah. The Utes – whatever they are – win this one because each player brings 4 cheerleaders and you can’t beat spirit like that.

#6 W. Virginia Mountaineers v. #11 Dayton Flyers = 3/20

West Virginia is, in my opinion, the scariest state in the Union by virtue of its amoeba-like borders – whoever designed the state obviously had a very unsteady hand, likely caused by binge drinking moonshine. Unfortunately for the Brokeback Mountaineers, replacing the Gatorade with dad’s ol’ cough syrup causes them to shoot blacked-out, rather than lights-out. Result: 6-2 Flyers victory because, come on, Dayton’s not good either.

#7 Boston College Eagles v. #10 USC Trojans = 3/20

Ironically, the Trojans cannot stop the Eagles from penetrating. Eventually several huge holes develop and the Eagles just start pouring it in en route to a lopsided vicotry…yes, I know, I’m a 14 year-old boy.

#8 Ohio St. Buckeyes v. #9 Siena Saints = 3/19

This is one of those match-ups that I really have no clue about. After Wikipedia-ing Siena, however, I discovered that the character, Olivia (Law & Order: SVU), attended Siena College and that really sways my vote the Saints’ way. Keep in mind, the actress who portrays Olivia did not attend Siena…just the character. Badass, I know.

Moving now to the West bracket where the #1 seed plays in…Philly? Maybe the tournament directors need this…

#3 Missouri Tigers v. #14 Cornell Big Red = 3/20

Cornell loses this one in front of 20,000 Mizzou fans and 3 Big Red fans. Sorry, Ivy-leaguers but I don’t believe you care about basketball, even if you did invent the “Princeton Offense.” Stick to lacrosse and yachting.

#4 Washington Huskies v. #13 Mississippi St. Bulldogs = 3/19

Another game I know nothing about. In a “Professor Jon Bruce” moment, I see one huge similarity between these two teams: they’re both dogs. Trending away from my colleague, Ron Mexico, I decided that instead of fighting these two well-known breeds, I’d simply look at them socially. Bulldogs tend to be pretty popular these days but, having seen Iron Will, I know what huskies are capable of and these dogs will no doubt be ready for a March that includes basketball AND the Iditarod. Throwing a bone the huskies way, here…

#5 Purdue Boilermakers v. #12 Northern Iowa Panthers = 3/19

This is another one of those volatile 5/12 match-ups and, where as the last one went to the #5 team, I’m going with the #12 Panthers here for 2 reasons. First, they’ve remained so far under the radar this season that they literally were never on the radar. Seriously, in a poll of 8 people, only one was able to tell me where Iowa even is – Dan Hyndman – and this makes them VERY difficult to scout. Second, Kurt Warner; he went from bagging groceries to having his own game for original Playstation. Why can't his alma mater have a similar Cinderella story?

#6 Marquette Golden Eagles v. #11 Utah State Aggies = 3/20

The Aggies never had a chance in this one because I don’t like posers. First of all, “Utah State” sounds a lot like “Utah”, who we’ve already discussed; at least Brigham Young – also in Utah – tried to be original. Second, USU is the worst of the two “Aggies” not in the tournament but in this very bracket. Where I’m from, such behavior is called plagiarism and is punished by expulsion. That’s exactly the punishment Marquette doles out here.

#7 California Golden Bears v. #10 Maryland Terrapins = 3/19

If the turtles beat the hares the first time, they can no doubt outwit and outrun the bears this time. Sure, a few might fall to the massive claws and jaws, but the Bears turn out to be fool’s gold and bow out early.

#8 Brigham Young Cougars v. #9 Texas A&M Aggies = 3/19

Call me “lazy,” if you’d like, but remember what I said about Utah beating the Wildcats earlier? Same goes for this game where those sultry older women from Salt Lake City send the original Aggies on a Mission: Impossible.

After chilling out West in the land of the 2Pac-10, we keep it cool in the hood where the Notorious B.I.G.-East dominated…

#3 Villanova Wildcats v. #14 American University Eagles = 3/20

AMERICA. If you disagree, you can just head straight to Gitmo…terrorist.

#4 Xavier Musketeers v. #13 Portland St. Vikings = 3/20

Vikings are vicious and all, and we’re all scared of the day that they make a comeback and rape and pillage our villages. However, that doesn’t happen Friday. In reality, we all know how wonderful 3 Musketeers are; now just close your eyes and imagine how blissful 5 Musketeers would be and then tell me they don’t dominate here.

#5 Flo Rida St. Seminoles v. #12 Wisconsin Badgers = 3/20

One school has continuously inspired the greatest rapper of our generation, the other has a campus somewhere near the North Pole and has a rodent mascot. This round goes to the ‘noles who spin the Badgers’ heads round, baby, right round…

#6 UCLA Bruins v. #11 VCU Rams = 3/19

UCLA stands for much of what I believe in: money, beautiful women, great style, and many other superficial things. VCU stands for “Virginia Commonwealth University.” Break down the word “Commonwealth” and you realize that this is a clear oxymoron – commoners should not have wealth. Ever. Get out of here you Marxist assholes, UCLA wins this one and keeps the capitalist spirit alive and well.

#7 Texas Longhorns v. #10 Minnesota Golden Gophers = 3/19

The Longhorns take the early lead in this one, thanks to uproarious crowd support. However, their intensity falls in the second half after Matthew McConaughey strips himself naked in an attempt to show “a real longhorn” to the fans in Greensboro. He is arrested and UT cannot continue after the epic fall of their most well-respected alum.

#8 Oklahoma St. Cowboys v. #9 Tennessee Volunteers = 3/20

Having now resided in Tennessee for 6 months or so, I have some serious doubts about how well a bunch of hillbilly “volunteers” would fare against a team comprised of well-conditioned athletes who likely want to be there. Also, the Cowboys will be a much more cohesive unit now that team-cancer Terrell Owens has found a new home in Buffalo. Look for OK State to really pound the Vols.

Last, but not least, we move to the dirty, dirty Souf…

#3 Syracuse Orangemen v. #14 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks = 3/20

Eric Devendorf single-handedly beats the Lumberjacks by kicking their Hyundai Elantra and punching them directly in the face…oh, that really happened? Who knew?

#4 Gonzaga Bulldogs v. #13 Akron Zips = 3/19

After receiving jerseys, shoes, and warm-ups from King James all season long, the Zips receive something more valuable in this otherwise unheralded match-up: 40 minutes from LBJ himself. Unfortunately, this is a massive violation of all sorts of NCAA rules and the Bulldogs move on, despite losing to the James gang by 30.

#5 Illinois Fighting Illini v. #12 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers = 3/19

No one cares about this game, not even Michael Jordan, whose son plays for the Illini. I’ll pick the Hilltoppers because they made the Sweet 16 last year and because I have no idea what an Illini is. Also, the Hilltoppers get the nod for most original name.

#6 Arizona State Sun Devils v. #11 Temple Owls = 3/20

I have a lot of respect for James Harden and his teammates. I have more respect for those well-trained owls from Harry Potter. If Temple was able to recruit even 3 of those avian miracle workers, this won’t even be close.

#7 Clemson Tigers v. #10 University of Michigan Wolverines = 3/19

Clemson wins this game when the Wolverines fail to show up thinking that they missed the tourney again. Instead, they sit around, playing March Madness 95 for Sega Genesis and watching Youtube highlights of that one Michigan player dunking the ball really hard…

#8 LSU Tigers v. #9 Butler Bulldogs = 3/19

As they’re accustomed to doing, Butler serves Tigers just like David and Elgin’s crew served those crackas from the burbs. (Caucasoid translation: Butler prevails.)

So that’s that for the first round. Check in tomorrow for predictions for Rounds 2 and 3.

Coming Soon...

2009-03-16T08:11:00.001-05:00

Keep a look out for a 3-day special "Bracket-Buster" special which will give you a unique insight on who to pick in order to win this year's pool!

Tourney Time vs. Attorney Time(?)

2009-03-14T13:41:00.002-05:00

I'm going to start today's post by wishing all of you mathemagicians out there a happy Pi day. This is perennially one of my favorite holidays, mostly in anticipation of it's celebration in the year 2015926 when my Dilbert tearaway calendar will read 3/14/15926 and I can really pop bottles.

Unfortunately, Pi day is not the main focus of this post. The real topic will hopefully be a little more interesting as it has to do with the phenomenon sports fans around the world refer to as March Madness. While it could be argued that Pi day is the unofficial kick-off to March Madness because it usually falls around Championship week, I have to show some discipline and stray from the topic. So, with a heavy heart, I want to turn your attention to a comparison that may have eluded you for your entire life to this point: NCAA March Madness compared/contrasted to Law School. Now, I know what you're saying and you're wrong; there are similarities, you just have to look in the right places and that's why you've turned here, to me, an expert in setting aside actual responsibilities in order to shed light on subjects you never really cared about. So, without further ado, let's start the show!

Now, I could go on for pages with similarities but I've decided, because I have a social life, to limit myself to just a few of the major ones which you'll find below.

The tournament is often called the "second season" in college basketball, a name I have bestowed upon "finals" in law school. You see, I like to consider myself the equivalent of a tournament "darkhorse" or "underdog." So what if I didn't win all the games in the regular season? (Editor's note: we all know I like to use analogies in my writing. For instance, "winning games"="reading torts/crim/Con/property" and "regular season"="first 2/3 of the semester". These will continue throughout the post so keep a lookout. Anyway, sorry for the interruption - time to contiune...) The beauty of college basketball - and it's distant cousin: legal education - is that it's not necessarily about consistency. Some teams will eek their way into the Big Dance thanks to an incredible series of fortunate breaks - this is more analogous to having your rich uncle call to get you into the school, not anything you've done once you're there. Regardless, the underdogs almost ALWAYS rely on some sort of ridiculous prayer of a shot at the end of regulation against a higher-seeded team in order to advance - that's the story of my legal education: underperforming for 39 minutes, 56 seconds, then pulling it out in the end.

Law school has the same categories as the tournament when it comes to performing. Aside from the aforementioned (sorry, Craig Smith) "underdog", there are, of course, those teams/students who are commonly referred to as "favorites", "frontrunners", or in law school, "gunners." Gunners may end up winning March Madness with their talent, depth, and actual understanding of the issues on exams but plenty of assholes have won NCAA championships and gone on to do very little as professionals, and vice versa. Really, would you rather be Christian Laettner with his incredible college basketball pedigree, excellent education, and 2 NCAA Championships or Kobe Bryant with no formal education since high school, 3 NBA Championships, and a $21 million contract with the Lakers? Seriously, right? With all due respect to gunners, I'd rather struggle through the regular season, doing just enough to get by and then amp it up in the last month in time to make the Elite 8. This way, the "scouts" (BigLaw) notice my positives without having to pay attention to my bad performances, also known as cold calls.

Finally, regardless of what happens, two things are always true: good coaching/teaching usually prevails and there will be upsets. If I learned anything from my first round of finals - most notably, Civ Pro - these would have been the two lessons. No doubt I had a very well thought of professor - akin to Tommy Amaker - but despite all of the credentials and charisma, there was just a general lack of experience at the highest level and together, we fell short. Compare this to a coach...errr...professor in the same division - Civ Pro - who has over 100 years of experience on the subject, an extensive collection of well-worn denim, and who literally wrote the book; this legal genius would no doubt be compared to a Coach K or Roy-boy Williams and always gets the best performances from her students. Every once in a while an underdog TEAM advances deeper than expected but you rarely see a terrible coach/professor produce the proteges of the highest caliber.

The other lesson is that regardless of who you are or how good you think you are, you will face an upset sometime during March Madness. Think about it like this: the average law student faces 6 instances of the March Madness equivalent (since I like to consider myself "above average", I hope to have a couple extra...). That's roughly 24 "games" where you could possibly be upset. Even the mighty fall in the tournament on a yearly basis and, to be honest, no one is shocked the next day because, hell, that's just the nature of the tournament. Well, it's the same for law school and that's why no one was shocked when a certain blogger missed 7 consecutive lay-ups down the stretch against Team Civ Pro and pulled the B-. There are, of course, some exceptions to this rule - a legal "dream team" if you will, comprised of 9 players recruited from some of the best teams around the country.

Ok, well, as I sit here, UNC was just "upset" by Florida State in the ACC tournament and, as predicted, Psycho-T retarded his way to underachieving, all of which corroborates my theory that anything can happen in March. Maybe he and the Tar-fails will be able to make things a little more interesting in the Big Dance, but hopefully not. Anywho, it's now time to go watch Duke ride the rollercoaster so I'll leave you with one last thought that just came to mind before I go. There is one major difference between life at VULS this year and the NCAA tournament. In the history of the 64/65 team NCAA tournament, a #1 seeded team has never fallen to a 16 seed. The same cannot be said this year in the hallowed walls of Vandy.

A Call to Arms - Why should Gunners have all the fun?

2009-03-13T11:34:00.004-05:00

So the inaugural post is up and the reviews streaming in via gChat are encouraging for several reasons. First, people like the style and general idea of Let the Curve Do the Work ("LTCDTW"). Second, if people are chatting with me, they're not paying attention and that's the entire point - we're all just letting go and letting the curve work its magic.

Now that the word is out there, LTCDTW is recruiting the brightest and best to contribute. The more people who write, the more shit you have to look at and the less you have to pay attention. Like many of the corporate law firms many of us yearn to work for one day - and unlike those virile undergrads we now admire so much - this blog has standards. Listed below are many of the attributes the most desirable candidates will possess.

You have read all of espn.com and stumbled across semi-nude golfers or the latest word on cricket.
You can identify many of you "friends" by their tanlines, thanks to Facebook.
You've found pirate ships in the Gulf of Aden via Google Earth.
You read other, less interesting blogs.
You have the capacity to write a hilarious, yet possibly convincing cover letter.
You have a B average.

Though there will be some aberrations, if you nodded your head to any of these, your professor probably saw you and will undoubtedly call on you soon so make eye contact now to let him/her know you're paying attention...all clear?...like I was saying, if you've done one of those you're qualified; if you meet all of them, you're me and we should get together to start a Utopian community.

In all seriousness, if you're interested in contributing, send me a writing sample that could feasibly go on the blog right away and, if it's good, I'll add you as an author. Come on, people, let's do the damn thing.

Statement of Purpose

2009-03-13T10:37:00.002-05:00

If you're a first year law student at VULS and paid attention at any point during Regulatory State, this blog isn't for you...no, I'm just joshin', keep reading - we all know that any statue worth reading has a clear and concise Statement of Purpose. Now I can predict what you're thinking right now and you're correct, there is no such thing as a "statute worth reading" but hopefully you possess a mind like mine that allows you to substitute words like "statute" and "blog" pretty liberally. If you've been so blessed, you've now changed my original sentence to read "...any blog worth reading has a...Statement of Purpose" and by-golly, you'd be correct. So as to not make you wait with baited breath any longer, I present to you, my fellow scholars, the Statement of Purpose to letthecurvedothework.blogspot.com:

This is the blog that students around the country - nay, around the Universe - will look to as a source of entertainment in their 8 am Corporations class or their 3-hour Administrative Law seminar or, on the lonely Tuesday afternoon, when the possibly-homeless gentleman sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Corner Pub won't stop arguing the merits of Spam versus Chicken of the Sea. The articles - always hilarious, often poorly written, occasionally offensive, and sometimes possessing a tidbit of redeeming intellectual value - will be posted by individuals not unlike you or me:

Intelligent enough to be in law school
Disciplined enough to have made it to class
Apathetic enough to disregard the heated debate going on between that girl who looks like Gollum and the guy whose age is the subject of several over/under bets
Savvy enough to be interested in: mindless rants, cool links, funny pictures, interesting tidbits, hairbrain schemes, zany anecdotes, and more mindless, cool, funny, interesting, hairbrain, zany links...

Together, we will amass a website that will serve two noble purposes integral to any legal education. First, this site WILL keep you entertained. Maybe not all of it and maybe not all the time, but there should always be something that will at least be able to distract you long enough that there's a gaping whole in the Word document entitled "Torts - Class 23 - 3/12/09". This leads to the second purpose which is to let the fabled Law School Curve do its job. Let's be honest, we worked plenty hard for at least the last 10 years getting to where we are right now. And let's take this to the next extreme which is, we'll all be working hard for the next 30 years of our life, trying to support a family and various destructive habits. With that in mind, shouldn't we have a brief, 3-year hiatus where we can kick our feet up on the desk, let someone else do the talking, and learn about something far more valuable than the fictional idea of "mens rea" - e.g. Somali Pirates - from a source far more reliable than a "professor" with "respected degrees" - e.g. Wikipedia.

Just a few quick rules to get us started...

Tell your friends - that's the point.
Don't start gossip about people in your school. It seems to be a common misconception but this is not middle school and you are not Serena van der Woodsen and I am not Lonely Boy (in reality, I'm Chuck Bass). Keep it civil people. That said, celebs and professional athletes are fair game.
Write something. I've never blogged before but I know that I can allow people to become correspondents to the blog. If you're good, you're hired...for no money...to do my bidding. Sound familiar? That's because this is a great preparation for your Summer Internship with Judge Judy.

Alright, that's it for now. Let the games begin.